One of my first gigs after my debut foray in the hallowed halls of Canadian Gliterati Shelf Monkey galloped out of the gate and straight into your heart was a month-long Internet writer-in-residence stint with the then-new Open Book: Toronto. A project by Ontario publishers, Open Book has since gone on to, well, go on, and in the age of ADD, an online book site that makes it to the five-year mark is a rare and beautiful thing. A phoenix, say, or an albino penguin.

Open Book is a great resource, always reaching out to the literary community with events, essays, and more, and when author/poet/great-guy George Murray asked if I’d participate in one of his Questionless interviews, I could hardly say yes fast enough. In The Questionless Books Interview, George get a whole bunch of books people to “answer” a series of unspoken “questions”. The results may be serious, humourous, insightful, or, as in my case, revealing of an unsettling psychosis. Yet as a publicist, I knew a good opportunity when I saw one. Plus, free press is free press is free press.

Here’s a quick peek into the vast unmapped terrain of my soul:

At its core, Publishing is...a destructive influence on the moral fabric of our society. Who releases all the smut you see these days? Publishers, that’s who. That’s why I’m voting Santorum in 2012! Yes, I know I’m not American! That is not the point here!

As opposed to Editing, which is...cruel and unusual punishment as defined by the Charter of Rights and Freedoms.

A Publisher should always...use a topical, and don’t pick at it.

As opposed to an Editor, who should always...remind you that, although you have written a riveting hardscrabble family drama set on the shores of Newfoundland, vampires are in now.

A Manuscript that's ready to be read by others is...an oxymoron.

As opposed to a Book that's ready to be read by others, which is...based on the screenplay by Dan O’Bannon.

A Manuscript should always...be handwritten with quill and squid-ink on the finest vellum, creating a calligraphic work of art suitable for inclusion in the Louvre. If not, your manuscript will display a devastating laziness of character on your part, and you will be doomed to obscurity, toiling away as the shoe de-smeller at your local bowling alley.

As opposed to a Book, which should always...be stored in a place of honour on your bookshelf. No, don’t touch it, that’s a first edition! Touch with your eyes, not your hands!

Read the rest of the interview here, and don’t judge; when you’re operating on as much caffeine as I am, you’re lucky the words don’t become sentient razors and slice you thin as deli ham. That’s the caffeine again.